Respond vs Reacting. Billy is the student who has an uncanny ability to push all the
teacher's "hot buttons." He knows exactly how to get underneath the
teacher's skin very quickly and with great intensity. When this happens, it can
be like getting emotionally hijacked, and we react instead of responding. Love,
tolerance, understanding, and patience are gone.
It is important to understand
that when we go into reaction mode, it's no longer about the student. At this
point, it's about us. Please note that this is not a
statement of blame. On the contrary, it is a statement of empowerment. The more
we can understand our own reactivity, the more "power" we have in
changing the dynamic with our Billy's.
Share your thoughts on the
above paragraph.
I thought about this statement when reading this chapter. I thought of a kid that knows how and when to get under my skin. And he seems to do it when there is a lot of people around. And most of the time I react instead of respond. And I probably do that because I feel I need to set an example in front of the other kids to show them that’ what he is doing is wrong. But when I think about it, it prob has something to do with empowerment and I didn’t realize it till now. From now on I’m gonna take a new approach and respond to that kid instead of react and see if the outcome starts to change.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts, Jennifer. Sometimes I feel like it's just me but I understand exactly what you're saying. It feels so silly but it gets personal when a student tries to put you in position that you don't want to be in just to see what you are going to do.
DeleteJennifer I think this happens to us sometimes during lunch duty and it definitely becomes an empowerment issue and setting an example in front of the other students. I also did not realize this until after reading this book. I believe taking a respond approach instead of reacting approach will help us have more successful outcomes.
DeleteJennifer I have felt the same thing. I can think of a specific kid that would push, push, and push. I would be calm and not react until then I would! He knew exactly how to get a reaction out of me. I remember thinking this is a power struggle and I can't play into the power trip, but without fail by the end of the class period I would be reacting instead of responding. Like you I am curious how things might have played out different with this kid had I responded instead of reacted.
DeleteThis is a key area for me that I need to work on so I can respond instead of react even to the student whose obvious goal is to push my buttons. It is hard not to take it personally. I know I will never win a power struggle with a student and still sometimes it is hard to respond in a more controlled, caring way when really my reaction is to fight back because I feel I was wronged by this student. As the adult in the situation, it is up to me to diffuse the situation not cause it to escalate.
ReplyDeleteLike Jennifer, I too react at times based on how I think the other students are viewing this exchange and I do not like how some students can talk to teachers, but I am just going to have to tell myself they need my understanding right now. Even if it means I cannot say anything for a moment-this is a better response than adding to their problems with my reaction.
Sherrie, this is also something that I need to work on. It is VERY hard not to take it personal or feel as though you need to prove to the child who is who in the situation. I have caught myself in the past with thinking that I am the adult, and you are the child and you will not talk to me or disrespect me. It does become a power struggle vs responding and talking about the situation later after the meltdown has ended and can have a rational conversation.
DeleteI think we all need to work on this. It is so easy to react especially when it happen in-front of other students. In our mind we think that reacting will show the other students that we will not accept that type of behavior.
DeleteSherrie this is something I need to work on as well. I know this year I had an incident that I could have let go or at least responded in a different way. My thought was - the other students heard this and I have to let them know that the behavior is not acceptable. I reacted and it turned into a huge ordeal and was of no benefit to either of us.
DeleteI read a book called Shepherding a Child's Heart. In this book in talks about reactions and toddler's learning behavior. Many toddlers hit because when mom gets mad she spanks me. So they learn that when you are mad you hit. The book talks about using time out for the parent to calm down. After you are calm, you tell your child why they are about to receive their punishment. This made so much sense to me as a parent and a teacher. It is easy for me to "respond" when a student has misbehaved somewhere else. In those moments, I am caring and patient and do my best to resolve the issue. However, when that particular student does something for the millionth time in your classroom and your blood pressure rises, you react. I have the "last chance" chair in my room for this purpose. I know there are times I need to calm down before I talk with a student. The author is reminding me of the importance of responding instead of reacting. This is an area that I need to improve on!!!
ReplyDeleteI like having the last chance chair too. I wish I had it two years ago. I felt like there were students in my group I had the year before that were like Billy in pushing all the buttons just to see if they could get a reaction out of me. A lot of then got a thrill out of it I think. But looking back, it was the only way they knew how to get attention. It had to be learned from home. All they probably heard were negative things all the time and that’s the only way they knew how to communicate to older adults. But in the moment, we can sometimes skip trying to understand why they are doing this and just react. After self-evaluating, I had a different approach to trouble makers this year and it seemed to do more good than bad.
DeleteAct vs React is what my favorite college professor told me. I replay that in my head constantly. It goes back to some of the previous chapters positive thinking. Garbage in garbage out,positive in positive out. Does it always work and do I fail keeping calm in some of the situations I am faced with,yes I do. That is the when the real question comes. What good did I do by acting like the student. I might say well it made me feel better but in truth after some soul no it really didn't. For me that is why I feel it is important to Act instead of React.
ReplyDeleteI think we have all have "that" kid that pushes our buttons to see how far we will go. I think it depends on the teacher how far it actually goes. I also think that experience helps. I can think of several students that liked to push my buttons to see how I would react. Now if I have a problem with a student, I might ask them to step outside in the hallway a minute. This gives me a minute to calm down and think about what I am going to say. Also, I am not talking to that student in front of all of the other students or his/her friends.
ReplyDeleteWhen we react we are becoming part of the problem and not the solution. In a conflict, there has to be someone who can respond to the problem in order to create solutions for that problem. Conflict generally comes from the reaction towards something and these reactions many times are volatile and must be approached with caution. If we are also reacting we are creating more tension to a situation that has potential to escalate. If we can respond in a calm and collective manner and use our knowledge and experience in these situations we can reach a much more desirable ending. We have to provide the solutions for many of the conflicts we deal with because many students just don't have the emotional capacity to think rationally.
ReplyDelete